How to be a good parent. Do you know how? I sure don’t.

Have you ever read a parenting book?

You know the kind that tells you everything you are doing is absolutely wrong and if you continue down this road you will either, end up with the rebels who land themselves in prison by the time they are 18 or, breaks their spirit and end up with kids who have the characteristics of nazi accomplices with an utter fear of all authority. With these kinds of “helps” in the current parenting circles no wonder kids get away with everything, we are so afraid of screwing our kids up we don’t do anything and hope maybe by some miracle our kids will turn out half decent! These kinds of books I might have read one or 2 of them ( ok ten). My biggest takeaway from every single book is pretty much the same, parenting is not for the faint of heart. If I had the ability to fix my yelling problem by simply taking deep breaths and counting to 10 and speaking in a quiet voice do you think I would have wasted my valuable time by reading 10 plus parenting books? Nope, I wouldn’t have.

I am sure that by the title of this post you may be reading this at an accelerated rate hoping maybe I found the magic bullet of parenting. I hate to disappoint you my friend but, I don’t have this figured out.  I have tried exactly 50 different types of methods that promise angelic children but leave me with nothing except giving me more excuses to run to the bathroom lock the door and hyperventilate about how I am ruining my kids!

When you have children who try to stick straws down the babies throat or have ADHD plus hyperactiveness ( is that a word?) which means in order to finish a math problem you have to remind them to look down at their book every 2.5 seconds or they take exactly 15 puzzles out in the time it takes you to go change the baby.  These parenting books all seem to have the single most important information about what your child needs ( even though they have never met my child) ” Your child needs more one on one time”. More one-on-one time??  My first thought is ” if I spent any more time with this child I’m going to explode! I would have to go with each child to the toilet and read stories to them in there if I’m going to give them more one-on-one time on a daily basis.

Seriously though these demands leave me crippled with doubt, anxiety, and pure overwhelm. How come no homeschool mom of 10 kids hasn’t written a “how to discipline kids without a spanking guide”? If spanking was the magic formula 50 years ago, Why doesn’t it work today? I can tell you why, because 50 years ago all families were intact. You came from A happy marriage that gave you these things called stability and confidence. ( Two things I only discovered after my own marriage).

I remember when my second oldest was around the 2-3 age mark. I asked everyone what to do how to discipline this child who clearly does not respond to spanking. The answer from all those from generations older than me was all the same ” spank more”. I would tell them it’s not working, it’s making him into an angry child. He screams louder and is getting naughtier. They said spank more. I tried again even though every fiber of my being was telling me this doesn’t make sense. Finally, it got to the point that I spanked that sweet boy close to 7x in a row and it made him worse, scream angrily at us. My husband and I decided to ditch spanking altogether. Now fast forward almost 5 years and we still struggle with parenting. If we had continued to spank I could have been tried for abuse at some point I am sure since the older my kids get the worse my temper gets. Is there a perfect method that works? I don’t think so.

I have however gleaned some really helpful tools over the years, but never finding my magic bullet. I am again on the hunt for parenting in an effective way that doesn’t leave lifelong damaging repercussions. I may have signed up for an expensive online parenting course promising a life without yelling. So far, unfortunately, I see another 30 things to do instead of correct your child. I see more unpractical expectations put on today’s parents.  I feel more discouraged and lost in my current state of chaos.

I feel like a failure most days, especially in parenting.  But I read something today that gave me hope. It was from Dr. Ray Guarendi. He said that even those most brilliant parenting tragedies only work as long as you remember them. I and I thought that’s it. My biggest problem is to actually remember the methods. So I’ve again pledged to adopt this simplistic answer: K.I.S.S. Keep it simple stupid. So I intend to!

My all-time favorite parenting book that we discovered when we ditched spanking is Parenting with Grace  https://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Grace-Gregory-Lisa-Popcak/dp/1592766854/ref=sr_1_1?crid=TTHJPVSQVJ4K&dchild=1&keywords=parenting+with+grace+by+gregory+popcak&qid=1613969180&sprefix=parenting+with+grace%2Caps%2C193&sr=8-1

My dear friend recommended it to me. It’s hard, it’s not a magic bullet but, it has been what has helped us more than anything else and we try to do it the best we can. Whenever we fall out of practice or crazy life seems to force us back on autopilot mode, our kids go crazy and I start to question all my methods again. Reading more parenting books, or paying for expensive parenting courses. Why do I do this to myself? Simple, I love my kids. I want to be a perfect mom. There is that word again. Perfection. Boy that is my true struggle. I want everything thing perfect in everything especially parenting. Why do I fall into the flytrap of letting my perfectionism be the enemy of the good?

Hmm? Maybe that’s it? That’s my magic bullet, I’ve had it all along. I am a good parent. I’m definitely not perfect. In fact, the only thing I am perfect in is that I am a perfectly flawed parent. The magic bullet of parenting, maybe it isn’t a formula after all. Maybe it’s simply sticking to what I’ve used and keeping at it? I think there is a word for that; consistency. I need to remember that and put it into practice. Not perfectly, but more. Maybe that is how to be a good parent?