We have all heard the saying… “In the trenches”. I feel like that is where I am most days. Somedays Motherhood is beautiful and all I had wished it would be, but most days I am in the trenches, battling them, battling myself. You see when I was young, I knew what I wanted in life. I had it all figured out ( so I thought). I would be an amazing Mom! I would do all of the fun things. I would be patient and loving and NEVER lose my cool, not once. I would also dedicate every waking moment of my life to them because I just love them so much! Ah youth… I really did believe all of this.. In fact while still in the hospital with my first child, I recall telling my husband I don’t know how I would ever discipline someone so absolutely perfect, or how would I ever get angry at him, there is just no way I would do that! Motherhood was absolutely blissful for me those first few years. It was perfect of course, nothing is, but I was blinded by love and infatuated with my darling boy that I didn’t see any hardship at all. I remember hearing some moms actually complain about their children. I could not relate AT ALL. It dumbfounded me how anyone didn’t enjoy every single second of motherhood. I realize now those years were gifts from God.
Fast forward to child number 3 and I, all of a sudden felt like I was a chicken with my head cut off. I was drowning. I couldn’t keep my house perfect anymore. The demands my children were placed on me were draining me. I however pulled through blowing off any doubts about what I was doing. After I was a woman, I am made for this! When I didn’t get pregnant by the time of weaning my daughter at the age of 18 months we were concerned. My husband and I had grand plans of having 22 children! A series of blood draws along with seeing a naturopath made us realize those dreams might have to change. I dove deeper into my children. Trying to relish each and everything because I might not get another chance. However, I wasn’t feeling well at all. I had candida and Adrenal fatigue. My body was also just not ovulating. God brought me to a place of complete trust and surrender. I had to constantly surrender what I wanted. Fast forward to when my daughter was almost three and God had blessed with at long last a beautiful precious boy. After getting on some nutritional supplements my body had what it needed to ovulate. Life was absolutely rosy those first several months. It wasn’t until after Christmas of 2018 that I mentally hit a wall. Now I have my own baggage. ( I will get into that in another post.) I had for the first time postpartum depression. I didn’t recognize it at first because it manifested itself in a sort of rage. It was absolutely terrible. My kids are normal kids, but sometimes the things they would do would push me over the edge. I would yell and scream and then run to my room and fall to pieces sobbing at what a failure I was. I did not deserve these precious children. I started to believe the lies in my head about how they would be really better off without me. That no child deserved a mother like I had become. I didn’t know how to fix myself. I was afraid to admit that I needed help. I hadn’t really ever heard anyone else talk about these kinds of hardships in motherhood. My own mother was a yeller and I didn’t want to turn into that, but here I was behaving how I always vowed I wouldn’t.
Rage is a true symptom of postpartum depression. It’s not pretty, it’s not what I wanted, but there I was. I remember I finally opened up to my husband telling him I need help, I can’t do this by myself. I was so afraid of losing my children if I opened up about how far I was out of control. I am so grateful that we didn’t believe in physical discipline with my children because It could have so easily been worse.
I have learned a lot since then. A lot about my own weaknesses. About my own needs as a mother. I also feel a calling to be open about what I have gone through in the hope to help other moms who find Mothering a lot harder than they thought it would be. I know I do. I am on some natural supplements that I really have to stay on. It’s not magic, however. I still lose my cool. I still sometimes run and cry in my bathroom when I am overwhelmed. I still have bad days. I still yell. I am an imperfect mom. For some of us, Motherhood is hard. I think being in the trenches of Motherhood is real! Especially if like me you come from a broken home, we have our own brokenness to contend with. On top of dealing with crazy toddler meltdowns, and kids with ADHD, or Sensory Processing Disorder. It’s hard Mama, I know, I am there with you. I am also writing this to myself. Because I need help every single day. I can’t do it by myself. I need someone bigger than myself to rescue me from my own failings and brokenness. I need a Saviour. My friend and so do you. Jesus doesn’t expect or even want us to try and do this by ourselves. In my motherhood, I have learned how much I really need Him! Perhaps that’s why He lets me fall. If I wasn’t allowed to fall, then I wouldn’t recognize my own need; needing someone to pick me up. I naively remember thinking I wanted everything perfect. I was always after perfection. The reality is perfection doesn’t exist on this side of heaven. That desire for order and perfection is written in our DNA. It’s written in our hearts. It’s our desire for Him.
Follow me as I talk about the many challenges facing Mamas today. The standards are so high. Especially in our social media and Pinterest era. I also try to find inspiration in Minimalism, Homesteading, and Organic Living. All in Him.
So Mama, as we do battle every single day with our children, and with ourselves lets together remember that we simply can’t do it alone. We need Jesus. I need Jesus. My hope is in Him and His love for me even though I constantly fall, I know He is there to help me up and try again.
Recent Comments